Earlier this week, a well-known
and highly regarded martial arts instructor killed himself, just days before local police
were to file charges that he sexually molested an associate. (See the Orlando
Sentinel article here: http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2012-06-13/news/fl-karate-instructor-20120613_1_molestation-case-international-martial-arts-association-travis-mandell.)
There won’t be a trial. Guilt or innocence won't
be determined. The facts in the matter may never be proven or disproven. I
can’t begin to imagine the pain of the survivors of this tragedy, but it’s
certainly left an awful nausea in my stomach.
Earlier today, I thought nothing good can come
of this. And then I remembered an event early on in my martial arts
career.
When I was a lowly white belt, I trained for two
weeks with a Korean Taekwondo master. One day, I was the only student in his noon
class, and while I loved the individual attention, something felt—off .
He put me through the ringer, preparing me for a
yellow belt test he said I was already ready for. (Two weeks = yellow belt?
This should have been my first red flag.) I was slightly afraid of him, for he
was very demanding and physically rough. But there was something else about him
that I couldn't quite pin down (no Jiu Jitsu pun intended).
When I arrived for the next class, the one in
which I was scheduled to take my yellow belt test, I saw a note on the front
door saying, "Closed due family emergency." I later found out that he
was in jail; one of his female black belts had accused him of sexual assault.
He quickly closed the school, and I heard from a police friend that he fled to South Korea to avoid prosecution.
I felt stunned, sad, and grateful.
I had dodged a bullet, but another woman hadn’t been so lucky.
A few weeks later, I walked into the office of
another martial arts master and school owner. We talked for a bit about my
training history and I asked him some questions. Again, I got that odd feeling.
I respectfully bid the man goodbye and never
returned.
Was I right about him? I don’t know. When it
comes to trusting my instincts, I’ve decided that I don’t have to know whether
I’m right. Today I practice the fine and delicate art of listening to that little
voice inside my body that says—as I leave on a cloudless, sunshiny morning—I'd
best take an umbrella. Because it will rain later. Really, really hard.
It’s as simple as that.
Instincts are survival skills given to us at
birth that somehow get taken away. Think about babies. They know who they want
to go to and who to avoid. When did we forget that knowledge? Or did we ever
forget it? Do we still have it, but listen to social norms that tell us to be
nice, respectful, and conforming to authority figures?
I'm a martial arts teacher who insists her
students be respectful to parents, siblings, teachers, and peers—with one
exception: Not at the expense of your safety!
Unfortunately, as long as there are authority
figures among us, someone will abuse that role. So please, please, please,
trust your instincts. When you get a funny feeling in your GUT (an acronym for
God's Unique Talk), flee. Whether it’s a school teacher, martial arts
instructor, pastor, mentor, or a popular celebrity who gives you the
creeps—LEAVE, and then tell
someone about your
experience.
Parents, if you haven't had that scary talk with
your kids about inappropriate touching, have it with them TODAY. Pop some
popcorn and sit at the dining room table. Go to an ice cream parlor, sit
outside in the sun, and be lovingly blunt. Let them ask all kinds of
embarrassing questions. Squirm in your seat as you struggle to answer. But
answer them. It'll be OK. You'll be glad you did this. Trust me.
Are you a survivor of abuse who's never spoken
about it? Tell someone TODAY. It's O.K. to talk about it. Talking about
this is the only way this abuse can stop. Authority-figure predators rely on
secrecy. The secrets keep us all sick. Break the silence so that the healing
can begin.
Talk to someone today. Talk until you're blue in
the face and you're about to faint. Talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. Your experience just might save a
child's innocence—and a life.
http://safe4athletes.org/about-us/history Cathy, As a teacher you know how easy it could be to take advantage of the inequality of power between teacher and student, athlete and coach, bigger and smaller, educaed and non-educated. Read the story linked above. I think you will find this an organization worthy of your high standards.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jill. I sent them a query email today!
DeleteWonderful post! So well articulated. I myself was a victim of sexual abuse in childhood of a trusted family "friend". I can't tell you the interesting scenarios I've been in when trying to explain to school officials that I wasn't comfortable with one of their drivers. Or how I've had this talk with my children over and over to be cautious and tell someone if touched inappropriately even if it's a trusted adult. Thank you for raising this awareness. I agree.....listen to your gut even if you "can't put your finger on it"!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Keep passing that awareness on to your children. It's so important!
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